Wednesday, November 16, 2016

I'm Back Baby

'I know a race made of sentient gas who throw fireballs as a friendly wave. I know another race with sixty four stomachs who talk to each other by disembowelling.'

- The Doctor, Flatline.

Yes, I am back writing for Doctor Who. As evidenced by the accompanying photo which I call 'Power Stance while Protecting Groin'.

In honour of my third year on the show I can reveal that when I wrote the above quote for the good Doctor, I was actually making a back reference to a piece of my own work. A sketch that I only I knew about, from a pilot that was never made. An easter egg I'm frankly surprised no-one picked up on.

Want to read the sketch? Of course you do!

Enjoy:


INT. OFFICE -DAY

A desk and two chairs in a sparse militaristic office. MR. KINSEY, an authoritative General type in a short sleeve shirt and tie sits reading from a buff folder while smoking. Two suited bodyguards with earpieces and sunglasses stand in the corners of the room. They both touch their earpieces simultaneously.

The door opens, DR. JACKSON enters, bespectacled and bookish, clutching a brown leather bag to himself protectively. MR. KINSEY stands and they shake hands. They are both American.

MR. KINSEY
Dr. Jackson, thank you for coming.

DR. JACKSON
Well it’s not like I had a lot of choice. Look, can we just get on with this?

MR. KINSEY
Very well. I take it you’ve read the file? On the flight?

DR. JACKSON
I read it. I didn’t believe it but I read it.

MR. KINSEY
Oh it’s all true. The aliens are very real. They’re here and they want to talk.

DR. JACKSON
Well, it’s incredible, I’ll give you that, but I fail to see what it has to do with me.

MR. KINSEY
You’re a linguist.

DR. JACKSON
Granted. But I’m hardly the top of my field. I could name you twenty far more versatile -

MR. KINSEY
This isn’t about language in the traditional sense. You see the aliens do not speak as we understand it, it’s more a kind of, sign language.

DR. JACKSON
Again, I must ask, why me?

MR. KINSEY opens the buff folder.

MR. KINSEY
In 1989 you worked for a summer as an assistant at a slaughterhouse, did you not?

DR. JACKSON
Yes I did.

MR. KINSEY
It is this skill set which we hope to utilise. To put it bluntly, the aliens communicate, by disembowelment.

A beat.

DR. JACKSON
Disembowelment?

MR. KINSEY
Gutting.

DR. JACKSON
I know what it means.

MR. KINSEY hands over another folder and begins pointing out details.

MR. KINSEY
We’ve managed to isolate a few basic words and phrases - it all seems to depend on the angle that the knife enters and the order that the organs are removed.

DR. JACKSON
So they talk by gutting?

MR. KINSEY
Yes.

DR. JACKSON
So who exactly gets gutted?

MR. KINSEY
Well, the aliens gut one another and well, up until now, we’ve been pretty quiet.

DR. JACKSON
So we haven’t said anything to them yet?

MR. KINSEY
Well, we gutted a volunteer just to say hello and make sure we were barking up the right tree.

DR. JACKSON
I see.

MR. KINSEY
But given the importance of this alliance, the president has sanctioned the use of death row prisoners in the negotiations.

DR JACKSON looks appalled.

DR. JACKSON
Well, that makes sense.

MR. KINSEY
Dr. Jackson, I’m sensing some resistance here. I realise we’re asking a lot but the advances in technology and medicine that they offer us are breathtaking.

DR. JACKSON
I see.

MR. KINSEY
Look, you’ll be fully trained up and the prisoners you’ll be gutting will all be the lowest of the low.

DR. JACKSON
Can they be dead already?

MR. KINSEY
Er, no. It screws up the verbs.

DR. JACKSON
Well, fully anaesthetised then.

MR. KINSEY
Erm, no, tied up yes, knocked out, no. Apparently the screaming acts as punctuation.

DR. JACKSON
Oh God.

MR. KINSEY
Look, they’ve offered us cures for every disease known to man and an end to world hunger. You weigh that up against gutting a few deadbeats, it’s really no choice at all.

DR. JACKSON composes himself.

DR. JACKSON
Your right, of course. When do we start?

MR. KINSEY
That’s my boy.

FADE TO:

INT. OFFICE -DAY
Same office, same guards in attendance. DR. JACKSON and MR. KINSEY enter. DR. JACKSON has on a full length butcher’s apron, wellies and from his chest down he is dripping with blood. In one hand he is holding a gutting hook dripping with gore.

DR. JACKSON
They were very chatty, weren’t they?

He passes out cold.
.